Unhooking Desire / July 15, 2024 by Alexander Lyadov

In negotiations, the winner is the one who wants the outcome the least.

How can that be? Isn’t everyone trying their hardest to get what they want?

No. That’s a popular, but not the best, way to make deals.

Fierce head-butting wears both sides out. If you do this often, there's a risk a third party—a competitor—will win.

The ideal negotiation ends effortlessly, almost by itself. But how?

You must eliminate the possibility of being tempted or scared.

Desire is the only thing that hooks you, my therapist explained.

Here’s the dilemma: you need desire to enter negotiations. But you must let go of that desire to win them.

Find one or two alternatives to get what you want either way.

Instead of negotiating, you simply present the reality to your counterpart: "This is how it will be..."

Sincerely yours,

-Alexander

About me:
As a business therapist, I help tech founders quickly solve dilemmas at the intersection of business and personality, and boost company value as a result.

How can I help you?
If you've long been trying to understand what is limiting you and/or your business and how to finally give important changes a push, then The Catalyst Session is designed specifically for you. Book it here.

Encounter with an Anomaly / July 14, 2024 by Alexander Lyadov

Recently, I wrote that Life never lets us get bored. A vivid example is today's news about the attempt on Donald Trump's life. People dropped everything to glue themselves to their screens.

The nature of an anomaly is such that it can't be ignored. "What was that?" the brain torments itself. Was it just a lone shooter or a multi-layered conspiracy? Local or international?

An epidemic outbreak in Asia, an investor's prolonged silence, a strange pain in the side—is it nothing or something that will change our fate?

The more surprising the news, the more it shatters our basic understanding of reality. We've overlooked some part of reality. What is it? It's unclear. That's what's unsettling.

Fortunately, over millions of years, Life has knocked humans down so often that we've learned to dodge and regroup. When faced with an anomaly, we're saved by heightened attention and curiosity.

We sniff, touch, and study a new phenomenon from all sides. The goal is either to exhale, "False alarm. Nothing's wrong," or to seriously worry, "Houston, we have a problem."

If our response to an anomaly is measured and inventive, we end up stronger and our understanding of the world more robust.

Sincerely yours,

-Alexander

About me:
As a business therapist, I help tech founders quickly solve dilemmas at the intersection of business and personality, and boost company value as a result.

Be Generous In Negotiations / July 13, 2024 by Alexander Lyadov

Nat Farbman—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images, 1954

Want to know a negotiation strategy that's reliable now and always?

Give a lot to the other side, and ask little for yourself.

"Wait! That's unfair! Why such an imbalance?" you may cry.

Calm down. I haven’t yet told you how much it will cost you.

The point is, negotiations rarely resemble a tug-of-war.

Yes, participants pull hard, but... each has their own "rope". Sometimes one pulls a reinforced cable, while the other pulls a silk Hermes scarf.

In a deal, there's always an X that’s most valuable to the other side. And you have plenty of that X. The ideal situation is when X costs you nothing. Like oxygen to a plant or pollen to a bee.

So you’re generous: "I’ll give you a lot of X in exchange for a little Y." Your partner immediately agrees, thinking, "What luck!"

The art of negotiation isn’t about manipulation; it’s about understanding all interests: "I value Y. He values X."

Sincerely yours,

-Alexander

About me:
As a business therapist, I help tech founders quickly solve dilemmas at the intersection of business and personality, and boost company value as a result.

Things Will Change / July 12, 2024 by Alexander Lyadov

American historian Stephen Kotkin said, "History never tells you what the future is going to be. Nobody can do that. But what history can tell you the Present is not gonna last. That things are gonna change. Because it happened many many times over."

Think of the secret behind the best TV shows. While watching, you often gasp, "How?! No way! What now?" When you can't predict the events, you can't wait for the next episode.

Life also refuses to let go of our attention.

Just when everything settles and we relax, a glitch occurs. Frustrated, we have to get back into the process. Hard? But it’s not boring, is it?

Sometimes we hit a dead end. The pressure builds, and we can't breathe. But what’s this? At the last moment, a fresh idea or unexpected help appears out of nowhere.

Life smirks, "The game isn’t over. The show must go on!"

This is the dilemma: sometimes its show is impossible to watch, but you can't stop watching either.

So, what to do?

Think about the message life is trying to give you (and all of us) through the colorful and unpredictable stories.

Sincerely yours,

-Alexander

About me:
As a business therapist, I help tech founders quickly solve dilemmas at the intersection of business and personality, and boost company value as a result.

Black & White / July 11, 2024 by Alexander Lyadov

The writer Julian Barnes gives two definitions of a net:

A meshed instrument designed to catch fish.
A collection of holes tied together with string

The first definition is familiar to all. The second one sounds strange... But if you think about it... Hmm, it's actually true!

A solid jug filled with clay is useless.

A child's hunger “produces” milk in the mother's breast.

A predator's beak means prey is hiding somewhere.

Good implies evil.

The creators of the Superman comic once faced a problem. With his incredible power, he began to defeat all enemies and save everyone. The drama disappeared, and readers lost interest.

They had to introduce kryptonite—a rare mineral that makes Superman vulnerable. The intrigue returned. The plot came alive.

A plus needs a minus. And vice versa. Their conflict is their life.

I can just see Good, yawning in the shadow of the Garden of Eden: “What a bore... Let something happen... What if...?”.

Nothingness, emptiness, dirt, manure, rot, stench, mess—each phenomenon has a meaning that may be unpleasant or unclear to us. Yet.

For example:

Manure speeds up plant growth.
Periods of silence allow us to hear sound.
Chaos invites creativity to extract new order.
What seems like a curse transforms into a gift.
Hydrogen sulfide stinks, but people love to soak in sulfurous water.

Seeing a net as a collection of holes is also a kind of Lever.

Sincerely yours,

-Alexander

About me:
As a business therapist, I help tech founders quickly solve dilemmas at the intersection of business and personality, and boost company value as a result.

Pulsation of Life / July 10, 2024 by Alexander Lyadov

Remember the times when you felt like an arrow shot from a bow?

You had a clear target ahead.
It promised you deep personal meaning.
What once scared you now thrilled you.
Nothing could distract you because everything was secondary.
On the way to your goal, you skillfully transformed any obstacles.
You felt as if the whole universe was on your side.
You gave your all to the process, burning bridges without looking back.

Of course, in the end, you achieved your goal. Maybe it took longer than you expected. Perhaps it wasn’t exactly how you envisioned it. Especially when the goal was clear but vague.

This happens when you are irresistibly drawn to something new. It will surely reward you but in its own way. Your expectations might crumble, but you won’t mind.

There were also times when your bow wasn’t drawn, and your arrows scattered or stayed in the quiver. As in the period from conception to birth, you were pure potential.

Modern culture tends to glorify the first state and view the second with caution, irritation, or even disgust.

But look around, and you’ll see the pulsation of everything:

The universe cycles through expansion and contraction.
Over 10 billion years, the sun transforms from a protostar to a white dwarf
All creatures are born and die, making way for their offspring.
The peristalsis of our organs literally sustains life.
Without exhaling, you can’t take the next breath.

What if the heart said, “I’ll contract but won’t relax”?

Every phase of your life has value. Yes, some states are burdensome, and others are pleasant. But before a mighty oak grows, the acorn lies “dumbly” in the dirty, manure-filled soil.

When times are tough, remember the pulsation of everything.

Sincerely yours,

-Alexander

About me:
As a business therapist, I help tech founders quickly solve dilemmas at the intersection of business and personality, and boost company value as a result.

Natural Flow / July 9, 2024 by Alexander Lyadov

It’s pointless to resist natural processes. Whether it’s vomiting, sweating, sleeping, or hunger. First, there will be discomfort, then pain, and finally, disaster. The forces of nature and man are incomparable.

A healthy person is one who doesn’t fight against the flow of life within himself. Instead, he aligns with the processes in his mind and body.

The boundary between you and the outside world is arbitrary. Remember, your body’s 30 trillion cells coexist with about 40 trillion microorganisms. There’s a natural process in the world too.

Question: are we trying to understand it or bend the world to our will?

Think about your past experiences:

Ignoring shifts in consumer preferences in a product.
Struggling to stay as CEO when your heart wants a new project.
Trying to keep a key employee who has outgrown you.
Persuasion of an investor who is alien to you, and so on.

Fighting reality will only drain your energy. It’s better to use its power for your benefit and others’. This source is inexhaustible and free.

But there’s one condition — you must stop lying to yourself.

Sincerely yours,

-Alexander

About me:
As a business therapist, I help tech founders quickly solve dilemmas at the intersection of business and personality, and boost company value as a result.

Invisible Labor / July 8, 2024 by Alexander Lyadov

Some people see order as the natural state of things. The subway runs on time. Traffic lights work. Water comes from the tap. Passersby act predictably. Everyone's busy with their own lives.

But that's an illusion. Order doesn't happen on its own. It's the opposite. If there's a constant, it's chaos, always trying to tear everything apart.

A single heavy snowfall can paralyze a major city and turn civilized people into savages. And that's not even the eruption of Vesuvius or a biblical flood.

Why hasn't chaos won yet? That's the real miracle.

Countless people work tirelessly every second. They patch the holes in the ship of civilization, keep the wind from breaking the masts, and hold the spinning wheel steady.

They do this professionally and quietly, without demonstrations or social media posts. That's why naive fools think harmony, safety, and growth are the norm.

On any level—humanity, a country, a company, or an individual—that's not true. Each of us, in our own place, must quietly create this miracle.

Chaos is relentless, but the creative human spirit prevails.

Sincerely yours,

-Alexander

About me:
As a business therapist, I help tech founders quickly solve dilemmas at the intersection of business and personality, and boost company value as a result.

Meta-Reality / July 7, 2024 by Alexander Lyadov

Alfred Eisenstaedt/LIFE Picture Collection

Many believe that reality is what you can touch with your hands, dissolve in acid, or irradiate. For them, matter is the foundation of existence, and everything else is just a consequence and a derivative.

But there's another reality you can't put under a microscope. It's hard to even describe. Trying to find the right words is just frustrating: "Eh, that's not it."

For convenience, let's call it the "implicit reality."

You get its signals every day:

Confusion from a cab driver's strange behavior.
Hesitation before signing a seemingly lucrative deal.
An inexplicable resistance to starting a new project.

Sometimes the implicit reality stops whispering and grabs us by the collar and confidently carries us somewhere. In those moments, amazing things happen:

Our eyes flash with steel, and we cut off: "F@$k off!"
We are overwhelmed with the conviction: "Now everything will be okay.
We suddenly make a decision that's been brewing for years.
We hire the "wrong" candidate who becomes the #1 pro.
We turn our life around 180 degrees and feel a rare peace, and so on.

Inside, a piercing clarity reigns. Any arguments lose their power. Doubts and anxieties fade into the background.

Interestingly, the implicit reality doesn't give guarantees in the usual sense. The future might be even more uncertain. But for some reason, that doesn't scare us. The body may feel heavy, but the soul is light.

Only creative people can express the implicit reality. A few strokes of their brush, gestures, or phrases are enough to make us exclaim: "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

Ancient texts, rituals, music, and works of art are portals to a world more real than the one we're used to.

Sincerely yours,

-Alexander

About me:
As a business therapist, I help tech founders quickly solve dilemmas at the intersection of business and personality, and boost company value as a result.

Being One with Reality / July 6, 2024 by Alexander Lyadov

Nature is wise. Nothing goes to waste. Everything has meaning and value. The cycle of destruction and creation never stops.

A healthy personality works the same way. Some parts break down into basic elements, serving as building materials for others.

The ideal is to let go of what's no longer relevant. And to welcome what's new when its time has come.

Otherwise, there will be friction, conflict, and wasted resources within a person and in his relationships with the world.

Why does personal evolution lag behind nature's efficiency?

Animals and plants have needs, but no desires. Humans have both. Plus, humans have a mind ready to justify absolutely any whim.

So when reality says, "It's time," the mind builds a fortress against change. Lies seem like sacred relics, and the truth appears as barbarians at the gate.

Reality always wins in this battle. One person wastes all his energy defending illusions, while another's strength grows a hundredfold.

Why? He learns to be at one with the inevitable.

Sincerely yours,

-Alexander

About me:
As a business therapist, I help tech founders quickly solve dilemmas at the intersection of business and personality, and boost company value as a result.

Sharp Focus / July 5, 2024 by Alexander Lyadov

Achieving great things with little effort fascinates me. I see it as an intellectual challenge. Or maybe I'm just lazy.

Finding a solution in a specific situation is an interesting task. It's even more exciting to find a universal Lever.

In this video from Japan, there's a clue. A dull knife doesn't cut a tomato; it just pushes and squashes it. But after sharpening the knife, it feels like the tomato slices itself.

Now, replace the knife with attention.

If you're scattered, it's hard to overcome the resistance of something or someone. You'll have to push yourself to the limit, crushing everything in your path. Side effects are inevitable.

It's a different story if your attention is sharp like a Japanese knife. The fabric of reality unfolds before you. Just look at it intently. The effort is there, but it feels like it's not.

Every craftsman becomes the sharpener of his ultimate knife.

Sincerely yours,

-Alexander

About me:
As a business therapist, I help tech founders quickly solve dilemmas at the intersection of business and personality, and boost company value as a result.

What Characters Interest Us? / July 4, 2024 by Alexander Lyadov

A key feature of children's fairy tales is their flat characters. From the very first lines, it's clear who's who—tyrant or hero, good or evil. This makes sense since a child's mind isn't ready for nuances.

Adults, too, sometimes crave a Marvel franchise movie. But that's just temporary fatigue and a regression into infantilism.

The older a person gets, the more boring two-dimensional simplicity becomes. They prefer the complex characters of "Game of Thrones."

But why?

Maturity means accepting that the real world is ambivalent. That is, paradoxical, contradictory, and complex. This is true both within us and around us.

Twenty-two years ago, I was struck by the book "Influence" by psychologist Robert Cialdini. He wrote about an experiment where a volunteer had to punish a screaming stranger with electric shocks for mistakes because a man in a white coat said so.

Originally, researchers wanted to see if Germans were particularly cruel. But it turned out that no matter the country, age, or gender, the result was the same. People readily obeyed supposed authority to inflict maximum pain on another person.

In the end, Robert concluded that the vast majority of people would act this way. He added, "Including you, dear reader." A horrible thought. Sadly, he's probably right.

There are no absolutely good or bad people. That's why saints are canonized only after their death. As long as a person is alive, even if he's a model of righteousness, he can commit a grave sin.

Each of us reaches for the pure infinity of the sky while our roots dig into the infernal depths of the earth. And this is good because we always retain the freedom to choose who to be.

Sincerely yours,

-Alexander

About me:
As a business therapist, I help tech founders quickly solve dilemmas at the intersection of business and personality, and boost company value as a result.

Lever of Victory / July 3, 2024 by Alexander Lyadov

Yoshiaki Yamashita Photograph Album, *ca.*1904

Each of us grappled as kids. Or watched dogs play. Usually, the one on top wins, especially if he's bigger and heavier. The loser lies helpless on his back.

This is the dynamic of animal, child, or novice confrontations. But everything changes when the opponents have some knowledge and skills.

Let's say you end up on your back with a bigger opponent looming over you. Does that mean defeat is near?

Absolutely not. This might be your favorite position to attack from.

A fierce opponent turns into a teddy bear if you position his center of gravity directly over you. Break his contact with the ground slightly and you can throw him in any direction you want.

I discovered this insight in childhood when I briefly took judo. The throw with a foot push to the torso (Tomoe Nage) amazed me. It feels like magic — such an unstoppable lever emerges.

But you must take a counterintuitive step for this principle to work. Metaphorically speaking, you must not shy away from the attacking beast, but dive right into its jaws.

Sincerely yours,

-Alexander

About me:
As a business therapist, I help tech founders quickly solve dilemmas at the intersection of business and personality, and boost company value as a result.

Fish on the Wall / July 2, 2024 by Alexander Lyadov

Sakata Kaidomaru by Utagawa Kuniyoshi, ca. 1836

I love Asian proverbs for their elegance, depth, and symbolism.

In China, they say, "The fish painted on the wall has only one eye."

This is exactly what Western society often suffers from. Science has achieved astonishing results so quickly that people have started to deify it, as Nietzsche proclaimed, "God is dead!"

What's the result? By destroying its metaphysical foundation, humanity finds itself in an existential vacuum. Life has lost its meaning. No hedonism or consumerism can replace it.

It's like the asymmetry of our brain. Psychiatrist Iain McGilchrist writes that the left hemisphere focuses on details, while the right focuses on the whole. If you get too absorbed in analysis, you can easily miss or kill Life.

Any word, concept, or scheme is just a "finger pointing at the sky," indicating a phenomenon. "All models are wrong, but some are useful," said the British statistician George Box.

We constantly draw fish on walls — in business, social media, conversations, or in our minds. Such representations have their benefits. But sometimes they lead us into a dead end. What to do?

Remember the whole — the larger context and the hidden meaning of the "impasse".

Sincerely yours,

-Alexander

About me:
As a business therapist, I help tech founders quickly solve dilemmas at the intersection of business and personality, and boost company value as a result.

Delayed Joy / July 1, 2024 by Alexander Lyadov

Love and enjoyment of a new endeavor rarely come instantly.

I remember how I had to convince myself before each motorcycle school training: “I’ll go one more time, then I’ll decide.”

The motorcycle filled me with mystical fear and curiosity. I couldn’t explain either. But that impulse was enough to overcome my doubts and get back on the bike.

A year or two passed without me noticing. One day, I was practicing the figure-eight maneuver. A rather dull move. The infinity sign. An ouroboros biting its own tail.

Suddenly, I felt like I was merging with the machine, the road, and the world. Joy, harmony, peace, and love filled me to the brim. It was so exhilarating that I forgot about time, fatigue, and other tasks.

This experience changed everything. I found my personal answer to the question: “What is the meaning of riding?” Everything fell into place. Now, I could not only ride but also track progress like playing the hot and cold game.

By the way, I later found the answer to the question: “What is really worth fearing?” which I explained here.

I recall other times when I took on something new in business, hobbies, or sports. Each time, the pattern was similar:

Vague curiosity.
Doubts and frustrations.
Epiphany.
Rapid growth.

Sincerely yours,

-Alexander

About me:
As a business therapist, I help tech founders quickly solve dilemmas at the intersection of business and personality, and boost company value as a result.

Elusive Life / June 30, 2024 by Alexander Lyadov

Life doesn’t fit into any rules, concepts, or frameworks. Like a snake, it slips through our fingers.

We feel like we're losing control. This scares us. With renewed energy, we try to end all unpredictability.

Alas, the result is disappointing. Existence becomes static. Relationships become utilitarian. Increasing knowledge only drains meaning. The source of living water dries up.

A crazy thought flashes: "Maybe we should break everything and start from scratch?"

Or we crave freedom. Everything that limits us, we destroy to dust. There are no boundaries we wouldn't dare to blur.

After the liberation party comes the hangover. We lose our bearings in a world where everything is equally (un)important. The ground shakes under our feet. The river of life turns into a Flood.

In panic, we beg: "Let a tyrant come, just save us."

You see, there are good intentions, but sad results in both cases.

The main thing is, it doesn’t matter whether you start acting from the left or the right. Ecstasy will turn the original intention inside out like a sock.

Clinging to position X or (-X)? It means you've definitely lost.

The winner is the one who focuses on what creates each X, Y, and Z.

Sincerely yours,

-Alexander

About me:
As a business therapist, I help tech founders quickly solve dilemmas at the intersection of business and personality, and boost company value as a result.

Freedom Horizon / June 29, 2024 by Alexander Lyadov

The longer your time horizon, the less damage a mistake will do.

First, there's time to recover the losses.

Second, you can take your time to study the situation from different sides.

Third, when fate takes something away, it always gives something in return.

So, in case of failure, it makes sense to broaden your horizon.

Example:

When your opponent is choking you, sometimes you need to win a couple of seconds.
An extra day can drastically turn negotiations around.
A conflict is resolved if the parties have a larger project in sight.
The terms of cooperation improve if a one-time deal is replaced with a long-term contract.

It's almost always better to have a long-term perspective.

In an infinite series of games, it's impossible to lose.

You are destined to gain strength, wisdom, and peace.

Sincerely yours,

-Alexander

About me:
As a business therapist, I help tech founders quickly solve dilemmas at the intersection of business and personality, and boost company value as a result.

Shared Direction / June 28, 2024 by Alexander Lyadov

What's your criterion for choosing an employee or partner?

There are many options:

Professionalism
Industriousness
Responsibility
Intelligence
Integrity
Energy, etc.

My main criterion is the answer to the question: "Are we headed in the same direction?"

Why? If he (or she) needs to go the other way, then all his admirable qualities will turn against your business and you.

It's fine if your paths align only for a short distance. Instead of a long-term collaboration, you'll have a productive project.

The problem arises if you're moving north, and he’s going south, or even northwest. Such divergence creates resistance, friction, boycott, and potentially rebellion.

It takes seasoned management experience to guess a person's true goals, no matter what he says. Often, people don’t realize where the river of life (read: the subconscious) is carrying them.

But if you find a fellow traveler, you're in luck. From there, it's a matter of technique to reveal his strengths and smooth out his weaknesses.

By the way, an effective motivation system doesn't create anything new; it merely amplifies what’s already there.

But there's one catch. First, you need to answer the question of what your North Star is.

Sincerely yours,

-Alexander

About me:
As a business therapist, I help tech founders quickly solve dilemmas at the intersection of business and personality, and boost company value as a result.

Heart of Business / June 27, 2024 by Alexander Lyadov

Some founders believe the number one priority is business.

This is a mistake. There is a greater priority.

Let’s look at human anatomy. All the power of the mind, psyche, and muscles is useless if the heart stops beating.

The word "corporate" comes from the Latin "corpus," meaning the human body. If business is the body, then who ensures its pulse?

The founder is irreplaceable, just like the heart.

The heart can get tired. Sometimes it experiences arrhythmia. Or even a heart attack. Then the business suffers. Its goal becomes survival. Growth is out of the question.

Knowing all this, a wise entrepreneur takes care of himself.

At the very least, he ensures a natural heart cycle, with alternating contractions and relaxations.

In extreme situations, the rhythm may quicken. But diastole, the relaxed phase, is always present.

Sincerely yours,

-Alexander

About me:
As a business therapist, I help tech founders quickly solve dilemmas at the intersection of business and personality, and boost company value as a result.

Naming the Unknown / June 26, 2024 by Alexander Lyadov

My dog's breed is a Blue Heeler, a.k.a. Australian Cattle Dog.

When I walk my dog, people often ask, "What kind of animal is that?"

They've made some wild guesses, such as:

Wolf.
Hyena.
Raccoon.

Can you imagine? It's easier for them to believe a wild animal is roaming the city than to think it's a rare breed of dog.

These moments remind me how we can get lost in our own illusions. In new situations, people often choose the absurd but familiar option, even if they've only seen a hyena once in a movie or zoo.

The same thing happens in business when people encounter something new. They rush to label the problem with something familiar from a known list.

As Confucius said, it's hard to find a black cat in a dark room, especially if it's not there. Mislabeling a problem guarantees wasted time, nerves, and money.

It's important to learn to tolerate what's unclear and uncertain.

The goal is to name the problem as precisely as possible. Sometimes you have to find the answer in the exotic corner, and sometimes you have to invent a name.

In any creative process, defining the problem right is the first step.

Sincerely yours,

-Alexander

About me:
As a business therapist, I help tech founders quickly solve dilemmas at the intersection of business and personality, and boost company value as a result.