My Dog
It sounds strange, but I’m learning to let myself nap during the day.
There are many reasons for sleepiness:
an oncoming cold,
a hard morning workout,
a night disrupted by missile attacks,
an intense session the day before,
or even no obvious reason at all.
In the past, sleepiness and I would enter a clash of titans. It blocked inspiration, tangled my thoughts, and drained my energy. I would respond by whipping myself with self-reproach, scaring myself with consequences, and consuming caffeine.
Hours would pass in this fruitless struggle. I wouldn’t let sleepiness defeat me, but it would reduce my productivity to zero.
One day I asked myself: “Why exactly do I consider a daytime nap such madness? Because it isn’t accepted in our culture? Because I’m ashamed not to look endlessly energetic? Because I’m afraid of disappearing into oblivion?”
Or maybe the real problem is that I don’t trust myself? My body makes its needs unmistakably clear, while my mind flies into a rage: “Shut up! Wasn’t a meaningless night enough for you? The day belongs to me!”
How difficult it is to accept that there is a part of me I do not know. It has needs of its own. I can ignore them for a while, but it will retaliate, and I will regret it. Without each other, neither of us is much of anything.
Gradually, our relationship is improving. I’m learning to notice these “strange” impulses within me, respect them, and satisfy them whenever possible. The impulses arise more predictably and more gently.
It’s a dance, not a fight.
Sincerely yours,
-Alexander
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