Today it feels so heavy there are no words. Nothing comes out. No ideas arrive. Just a dead end and a heavy sadness. It seems nothing good will ever happen again.
I want to freeze in place and calmly watch everything fall apart. The form is unpredictable, but the essence is clear. Like staring into a fire where you are the log.
There are no rational reasons for hope. It feels as if Being has surrendered and Thanatos has taken over the cosmos.
But then why are these words appearing? What’s the point? It makes no sense. It’s stupid. Strange. Irrational.
And still, a fact is a fact. My fingers keep typing anyway. Against it. In spite of it. The act is small, but deeply symbolic.
I remember this kind of hopelessness. I’ve been here many times before. Different circumstances, same darkness… right before the turn.
Yes, every single time I’m struck by this impossible flip. As if someone grabs reality and shakes it hard, turning it inside out.
Non-being cannot withstand the persistence of being. It backs away and disappears.
I can’t prove this. I can’t even fully describe it. And yet something inside me is certain it will happen again this time.
Do you know that certainty?
Sincerely yours,
-Alexander
P.S. Out of nowhere, a kind person from the distant past called and warmed me: “We think of you often. Wishing you all the best. See you soon!”
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