When I first headed to India for Vipassana meditation, I feared a bunch of "what ifs":
What if I get poisoned by dirty food?
What if someone attacks me at night on the road?
What if my passport and money get stolen at the hotel?
What if I get seriously sick and can’t get proper help?
What if instead of retreat, I end up in a cult that brainwashes me?
None of those fears came true. India was kind to me. But there, I met a European who told how he got sucked into a Krishnas cult and barely escaped, empty in every way.
My paranoia made me plan everything and stay alert. But the food was healthy, strangers friendly, retreat rules reasonable, hotels safe, if modest.
Alas, it turned out my main enemy was me.
The goal of meditation was to hold "equanimity" (calm balance) despite any sensations, emotions, thoughts, memories. Sounds nice, if not for the pain.
No changing pose. With breaks, sure, but 10 hours of stillness each of 10 days. Very soon, old injuries spoke up. They assured us the pain would go, but...
In my solitary cell, tears rolled like hail, and I screamed full voice...
I remembered that experience with dread when I returned to India a couple of years later. On the very first day, I went to the guru and asked him about it. His gaze was kind, slightly puzzled, as he said:
“Why did you endure so much pain? Сhange your posture. The moment you started fighting the pain, you had already lost the balance you were aiming for.”
I was shocked. “So I tortured myself? And for nothing?” Too literal and zealous following of instructions. What nonsense!
That experience became a vaccine against confusing essence with form. The temptation to do that shows up almost every day:
being seduced by words, blind to deeds,
failing to see the person behind the role or title,
clinging to a dead past and suffering because of it,
demanding the letter of the law, forgetting its spirit,
trading future gold mines for cheap jewelry today.
But if the source of our problems is us, then... Hooray!
Sincerely yours,
-Alexander
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