Nanay River, Iquitos, Peru
Eight years ago, I went through 11 ayahuasca ceremonies in Peru. I wrote about it here. Since then, people keep asking, “When are you going back?” My answer: “No way, I’m good for now.”
It’s not about the heavy, dark feelings I faced there. I think I grasped their meaning. What's more, I’m grateful for the test and learning I could handle it.
But I still feel my cup’s full to the brim.
During the prep and the ceremony, your mind, soul, and body shed what’s extra—symbolically and literally. This “dirty” phase hurts, but it’s necessary. To make room for the Other, you must empty yourself.
Describing what happens there is tough. Let’s just say neutrality’s not an option. You face what you’ve always dodged at all costs. Often, it’s a personal version of death. Sometimes, it’s unconditional love.
Your empty self fills with new meaning. It’s so vast, so strange, it overwhelms your mind. You want to lie in a hammock, stare at clouds, while your brain struggles to digest even a fragment.
In the years that follow, the ceremony’s gifts unfold when the time’s right. Suddenly, you get it: “Oh, that’s what it meant! Now I see why I felt X, craved Y, feared Z.”
I got lucky with my therapist—she took my weird “material” in stride. Dream analysis helped too. The truth grew clearer as I added lenses: neuroscience, psychology, philosophy, religion, mythology, and more.
So much has been rethought, understood, absorbed. You’d think I’d be ready to go again. But there’s no urge to travel to nowhere, to search for who-knows-what. It’s like a spring of living water flows inside me now.
Turns out, I had to lose myself so deeply to find myself there.
Sincerely yours,
-Alexander
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