Psychoanalysis has a side effect that I in no way expected. In the process of better understanding myself, of course I regularly get bursts of dopamine from “Aha!”-moments. It’s reminiscent of that important word rolling around on the tip of your tongue and the elation when you finally remember it. But even if the resulting insight takes your breath away, “How did I not see this before?” it doesn’t mean an instant change for the better in your life. This is where the agony begins.
While I was blissfully ignorant, getting into stupid situations and dangerous traps, I didn’t reflect, I just suffered, and then I tried my best to get out of them. I would say to myself, “It was an unfortunate accident,” “Bad luck this time,” or “There are idiots, crooks, and evil people around. Working with a therapist in person and in a group convinced me that if not all, then the overwhelming number of problematic situations I create myself. Now I have a better understanding of the root causes and scenarios of how this usually happens. And if they say about the dog, that he understands everything, but does not speak, then I can also say that I understand everything, but I do not prevent it. More precisely, I don’t have the time. Sometimes my life is like a dream, where an unwanted scenario unfolds and I either move like in jelly or watch like a dazed spectator. Admittedly, I was much more comfortable blaming other people and fate for my problems. Alas, insidious psychoanalysis has robbed me of such a convenient excuse.
I only record the blunders: “Here we go again! My own fault. How much there?”. Sometimes I feel so stupid, ridiculous and ashamed that, right, I want to go back to the original state, when I was supposedly innocent. However, this is only in moments of moping. The rest of the time I keep the belief that all really important changes in nature occur non-linearly. For a long time it seems that nothing happens, and then, bang, a new quality sprouts. Finally!
Sincerely yours,
-Alexander
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